That knowledge helped people get ahead socially; and people who were not interested in it were at a disadvantage, McAndrew says. In a study published earlier this year in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science adults wore electronic recorders over the course of two to five days, which collected samples of their verbal conversations over that time period. The data showed that nearly everyone in the study gossiped only 34 individuals out of the did not gossip at all.
Most gossip was coded as neither positive or negative — the majority of gossip recorded in this study 75 percent was neutral. Women engaged in more neutral gossip than men, but the amount of negative and positive gossip shared among men and among women was fairly consistent.
And overall people who were more extroverted tended to gossip more than those who were more introverted. What makes gossip good, bad or neutral is how we use the information, not the content of the news itself, McAndrew says.
A good gossiper is someone who people trust with information and someone who uses that information in a responsible way. When you find out the person your friend has a crush on has a bad reputation for cheating, you let your friend know, not to hurt your friend, but as a warning.
You find out someone in your company is not a team player and you let other coworkers know so that they can try to avoid working with that colleague. A bad gossiper, on the other hand, is someone who shares information about others in order to get ahead or get an advantage themselves, or just plain recklessly. And research has indeed shown that a lot of gossip has both positive effects and moral motivations, explains Robb Willer , Professor of Sociology and Director of the Polarization and Social Change Laboratory at Stanford University, who studies the social forces that bring us together and drive us against one another, including gossip.
But sometimes saying nothing is a way to sanctify what others are doing and saying. Other times saying nothing and not being reactive at all is a way of taking away power from someone who is grasping for power. It could be that Mr. Gossip are seeking any kind of attention they can get, in which case it may be best to ignore them but to stand up for yourself and others when appropriate in a clear but unemotional way. What I would recommend is holding your head high, being friendly with all the other neighbors, and ignoring the gossip and slander, speaking up in a dignified way against it when appropriate.
Try not to gossip yourself. Over time, more and more people will know that Mr. Gossip are bad news. Gossip and ask why they spread the rumor. Document everything, just in case. Stay unemotional, or you give the gossipers power over you, which they enjoy. Network with other neighbors, in other words, stay friendly with others on a one to one basis. I agree entirely! For some women, it is like the high school popularity contest until the grave.
It never ends. Unfortunately women pass down these qualities to their daughters and it never ends. I also come from a large family headed by nosy, simple-minded women who are not very content in their marriages and if they perceive someone might be happier, more successful, attractive then they are — watch out! Not so. I wonder what they actually think when reading the bible? I asked some of my local church goers about gossip and how they felt about it. Thanks for your comment.
Good for you for recognizing it and trying to avoid it. Maybe some are popular among certain groups. It may be because many people who gossip do so in order to get attention. Of course some people who crave attention will have honed their ability to do so in many ways, having developed a sense of what will make them popular.
It may not be that gossiping makes them popular, but that people who crave attention also tend to gossip, not always though. My next door neighbour is the same. She noticed this and gave me a real ugly look..
If you are happy or busy or learning and passionate about improving at work or in life, you will see gossip as uninteresting and dispiriting. I hope our world gets better.
I feel very sad when I read your comment about the way you feel in your current neighborhood. I wish there were some way for you to feel better about the situation or to screen out the negative. When you feel too inundated by the negative around you, you almost call more negativity to yourself.
But when you are feeling so bad, it is hard to change things around you and even your attitude. Is there any time in your life or were there any activities in your life that brought you some joy? I hope you can find a way to focus on something that can buoy your spirits. Unfortunately, when you feel down and out, it tends to bring more hardship into your life.
On the other hand, if you have a friend, institution, church, physical place, or activity that can bring you hope or support, then you might find a way out of your situation and avoid despair. They just see me as a poor person. Someone to make themselves look good. Well anyways i go on nature walks and trying to start a new job so hope my next year will get better. It is true that some locations are just not right for certain people. In the long-term though, you might have the goal of moving to a different city or at least a more supportive or neutral neighborhood.
Someone just sent me these quotes from something like the daily love blog, which could maybe be inspiring to you. Take care. Thank you ….
If you ever have to say anything to me then woman or man up and say it to my face. I come from a big family and have lived with gossiping and secrets all my life, now as Im older and married, since my husband started coming with me visiting my mother and where sisters and brothers would all meet, at first he was liked but now even though nothing is said directly to us he is not liked.
I find that women are the worst, I include myself in this but I try not to get involved. I am getting to a place of peace and try to ignore these gossips family or not and I know what they are at is not out of concern, Ive known them too long.
Good for you for trying to get out of the swamp of negative judgments and gossiping. Good luck! I agree. You could be a serial rapist but they would love you if you joined their little gossip parties.
They are weak, ignorant, low self-esteem, and simple minded individuals. I am in my early 30s, very attractive and educated while most of the women are in their mid 40s to early 60s. My presence in the office seems to bother them. They especially hate the fact that the older men pay more attention to me though I am not seeking such attention. There is one woman there who seems to be obsessed with me and want to know every detail of my life.
I guess some may think that I am young and carry an attitude but that is not the case at all. I see how they operate on a daily basis with gossiping, whether about someone else or celebrity gossip. I do not want any part in such chaos. I took a huge step back with this job in terms of title and salary. As the old saying go, you get what you pay for and I am surrounded by a bunch of low minded, low self-esteem, and unaccomplished gossipers in their 40s and 50s. Maybe throw a little modesty into the mixture of your perfection, and they might find some positive things to say about you.
I would be tempted to run their noses in it. I kind of have to agree. I even had to break up a conversation after a 2 minute wait, just to get served. That is terrible. Sometimes a work place is just not a good fit.
You might feel better somewhere with people your own age. I agree with your first two sentences until you go on attacking people and age hierarchy. I blame drug addicts and alcoholic abusers and irresponsible people. AGE has nothing to do with it! But it sounds as though you are handling it as best as it can be handled.
I hope you are able to eventually find a job with more professional and enjoyable people! Good grief. At first i tried to have different subject. But they keep on with their little click, circles, the gossip, the drama.. Most do not work, the ones that do i can only guess they do exactly the same there. I am currently undergoing some intense gossip about myself.
When I am with them participating in a volunteer project, they give slight hints, inuendoes, which I ignored until one of the ladies started backing away from me if I get too close to her. No, I am not kidding. It is bazaar. Is there anything I could do? Sweet old granny….. Too much free time on their hands. Produces mean spirited people.
Pot, meet kettle. That is weird and unfortunate. Is it possible to single out one of the nicer ladies when she is alone and ask her about the situation? Do you have any idea? They may be behaving in a small-minded way stemming from jealousy. Do you dress differently?
Are you much more attractive than they are? However you handle it, make sure you sound self-possessed and dignified, though not arrogant or attacking. It would be nice if they were called out on their behavior. I hope you can avoid letting it get under your skin. It says so much about them and not you. I hope you can find decent, enjoyable, positive people to be around in the future.
I had been a victim for about 14 years. Some of them thinks its just a joke to gossip about me and tease me as a group. I tried ignoring and it never goes away. So I tried changing myself and ended-up I was like pleasing them? Recently, there was a day where I tried a job where I am very new to everything. They gossiped very loudly as they felt I was very blur and slow at doing things.
They even gossip about me behind my back so loud that the public could hear and there was nothing that I could do. What would you people think that I should do? Or what would you do in this situation? Hi Alison, Sorry for my English.
I am 12 years old this year. I am popular in school as I took part in various of competitions. I have a friend, she is my super best friend when I was 9 years old. She and I was called the two most pretty girls in our school.
Then one day, one of my friend told me that she often gossip about me when she chat with the other friends. But she denied when I ask her. One day, she suddenly left me and went to be best friends with other people. Then I kept on searching the web on how to get rids of gossipers. I did that and she ask me to give her a chance. I gave her the chance, I thought this would be over. She gossips about me with her friends and act nicely when see sees me.
She even make up a story to say that I am a fake friends who just act nicely to others. After a few months, a boy liked me. She started to be friends with me, she told me that she thinks my attitude is better than last tie so she wanted to give me a chance to be her best friend.
OMG and I actually believed her… This happened 3 times. I actually took her as my best friends and I told her one of my secret. I told her not to tell it it someone. And she actually told a friend, that makes me so disappointed on her.
Then suddenly, she became best friends with the friend who she told my secret to her, and she gossip AGAIN. Now she was acting to everyone that we are best friends, so that I had no chance to say that she is MEAN. She often puts a lot of love emoji to me in social website, and she and her NEW best friend secretly gossips about me.
And now, she will pick up everything I do everyday to gossip about me. Like today, I told one of my friend a joke, and my friend laughed happily. I heard she said that I am so fake, the joke was actually not funny blablabla.. What should I do? One, you can never get rid of gossipers or eliminate gossip about you.
Notice how the more famous, well-known, or talented someone is, the more others gossip about them. Often this is caused by envy or boredom. You can do this by ignoring them, using light humor, and focusing on other people and interests. Your previous best friend must have a lot of charisma in that you responded to her desire to befriend you three times. I hope you have now learned your lesson. You can still be nice to her. In fact, I would not go out of my way to say hello, but if she approaches you, I would be nice.
So she might keep trying to be your friend. I believe that people like her will test out their power over others. If you have always been available to her at her whim, she will have lost respect for you. But basically, she is not someone you can depend on or trust no matter what she says. I will answer more fully later.
I hope you have learned that. Look for less manipulative people to be friends with. Then they will lose power over you. But act empowered and not hurt, even if you say what she is doing is hurtful. More later. A sentence ijnside my comment is wrong. Are you really enjoying hurting me rather than helping me to become faster? Is there any free counseling you could get to help respond better to such meanness?
Being overly-nice may convey that you want to please them because you fear them. Bullies love to attack those that show fear. It would be great if you could find a place where they are not so rude. There are not bullies in every organization.
I wish you the best of luck. I also wish to move on too. Often the things that hurt us most when we are young can be turned into great blessings, although it takes effort and sometimes suffering.
I hope you can find the power and wisdom within you to avoid letting these small-minded gossipers hurt you, whether that takes striking back, finding support or a friend, or finding different work.
I used to ignore gossippers. I realised that the best thing to do is to confront the main gossiper with facts very calmly. One thing for sure, they hate to be confronted and exposed.
Ask them why they feel the need to gossip. I just confronted a neighborhood gossip who had been saying unkind and untrue things about me. My job now is to watch my own response and behavior—to not be her equal. Thanks, Alison. Hi Alley, I suffered the same problem. Alley if you received my email address contact me if you want to.
So we can share our feelings to each other. Dear Sony, I can understand your frustration.. Can some one help me on this issue. My enemies took all my friends away from me. They wrote down my name on FB and use bed words. It was hurtful. Now I have no one to share my feelings. After 6years when I use the same language for them they all vanish but I have no one left arround me. They also threat me they will come where ever I will go.
I am so inscured now. I want to start my studies or job or want to make friends but I know they will come and take away my happiness.
Because of my family I have to live like that for ever I think. Delete Facebook and never go back to it. What you described is bullying. Take the high road and be the bigger person — put it behind you and move on to new friends and bigger and better things.
I would delete my facebook page and not read anything that such people write. Find new people that are more positive. It may take some time, but it will be worth it if you have a lot of discretion in whom you become friends with. You may have to move or join a group that is completely different from what you have been involved with before, such as a group that does charity work, choir, church, a new sport.
Be daring and try some new things that will challenge you and take your mind off the negative people of the past. And remember, even when others are cruel, they cannot control your attitude or your thoughts. I have been a victim of office gossip and have also indulged in office gossip. However the bad G seems to be the favourite type of social glue to bring people together, mostly at work, which is why many a productive worker would prefer to telecommute. So it seems I am paying the price dearly for not slamming someone behind their back or speculating over whats happening in the latest soap opera.
Regardless of what age and gender it is a damaging habit and should be treated like smoking and drinking-normal but in healthy limits or not at all. I have not been in that kind of work environment and have not experienced what you describe—fortunately for me.
It is a pity that this goes on and that being unwilling to slam someone behind their back would cost you in your job. I believe there are organizations that discourage gossip and promote more collaborative healthy interaction in their culture.
It would be great if you could eventually find one like that to work for. It may be filling, but it will make you feel sick and is far from being nourishing. They are such hypocrites. The problem is whenever I confront them, they take it to another leveL of rumor.
I believe most people gossip. It is no surprise people gossip about others whether from family, office workers, or even friends. It is not about whether they are gossiping about you, it is about whether they gossip about anyone else. Often what people say and do to others may at some point do the same to you, if not now then when. I have a close family member who lives and dies by what gossip they can come up with to feed to other relatives.. But how is that wrong or hurtful? By the way these relatives also are gossip mongers.
What can one do? With family its a bit more challenging and so you have to do what you can as sometimes even discussions on what is going on just leads to denial and confrontation that escalates because the gossiper will seldom ever assume responsibility for their own acts.. Years ago I built a community that aligns with the pretext that energy attracts like energy, and if you want a productive, happy and healthy life you need to surround yourself with the people who reflect your principles and beliefs.
There are good people out there, you just need to attract them, find them, and connect with them. Once you catch someone beginning to gossip about someone take note and if they do it repeatedly its time to move on. There are plenty of people on this Earth there is no celestial or spiritual law that says you need to subject yourself to someone who creates a harmful hurtful environment for you.. Keep the faith and trust me when I say there are people who do not dabble in living in a fantasy world of gossip to justify their own lives or existence.
I feel the same way! I need friends but my enemies start backbiting about me and friends runaway from me! I want some one to share my feelings! So helpless! Hi again, I ended up posting a blog today in response to your question.
There are people who are too busy or too interested in more interesting endeavors than to gossip. Keep your eye out for those types of people. In the meantime create a mental island around your feelings. If you are hostile, confrontational, or become depressed and meek, you become a victim, and an even easier to target for the bully gossipers.
So when you are near such people, just be casual, even friendly but unconcerned as though you really are not interested in them or what they are talking about, and focus on something more positive. The best way to avoid feeling hurt, angry, or depressed about such things is to switch your focus to more positive and interesting activities and people.
Some people who i expect much better of also love to gossip and talk crap like and old fish wife. Company execs, vicars, doctors. Men that should act better! Why do you regard gossiping as being an exclusively female problem? My experience has been that men are just as bad about it,if not worse. I just wanted to let you know, I wrote a blog today about your situation. Let me know how you end up handling it.
Or you could help each person find a diplomatic way to talk to the other person. How can I help you with this? But you could see if they want help in being able to deal directly with the other friend in question in a positive, productive way. I was Instant Messaging my cubicle mate this morning about a man and woman who both work in our room and have apparently started dating.
In no time at all, my cube mate and I were talking about a rumor my friend down the hall told me about the pair and their dating history. Five minutes later, another coworker came in, and my cube mate brought up our conversation about the couple. I am so ashamed that I brought it up. I should have just quietly asked the lady to keep it down a little so I could concentrate. Is it kind? Is it necessary? Thank you for this article because it really does speak to me right now.
I know I have a lot of work to do on myself. Good for you for recognizing that gossiping is not working for you in the long run, and for trying to stop your impulse to do so with the sticky note message. No one is perfect. All right, this may sound corny, but if people are drawn to you and your cubicle, why not find another focus for group discussion—at work or outside of work.
For instance, start a book club, or have a different inspiring quote above your desk everyday, or get passionate about an interest, a sport, an artistic endeavor, and have more interesting topics of discussion with others that can satisfy that need for connection.
Also, the reason why I think that people know me for being this way is that they really only talk to me about these things. If she gets defensive or is unwilling to change the relationship dynamic, you may end up drifting apart, which is also part of life when one person tries to grow and the other feels threatened by that.
I have some one sneaking around behind my back trying to turn people away from me and against me that I have either came in to contact with or spoken to or I have been friends with now and in the past. This has been going on for many years simply because the person causing the trouble and those they have sucked in to helping them with their lies and deceit have been given the benefit of the doubt and their absolute word taken as gospel another words the absolute truth!
In my case and I can prove it this persons motivation for what they are doing to me behind my back is caused through the person being jealous of me. I am dumbfounded as to why the person is jealous of me. This is the threat the person sent me. On everything you. This person posed as a psychic in order to cover their tracks and to try and scam a large sum of money out of me.
Trust me the above was not written by any psychic. Strange but true. Hence because people I thought were friends have refused to tell me that this person or their many helpers have contacted them behind my back and these people I thought were friends have given them the benefit of the doubt and taken their word as absolute gospel, the absolute truth and have not even bothered to question me or let me have a fair hearing I have had no way of proving it to the police or to a Attorney so that I could take legal action to have this person and their helpers stopped from sneaking around behind my back continually trying to turn people away from me or against me with lies and deceit.
These people that were my friends or just people that I knew go away and gossip and in turn this turns more people away from me or against me. It has gotten so bad I cannot even go to the hairdressers to get my hair trimmed with out this person going there behind my back and bad mouthing me. I had done nothing to this hairdresser in the past to warrant this sort of behavior from them. How the hairdresser treated me was the same as how the rest treated me that have now turned their back on me because of contact from this person so I knew some thing was wrong straight away.
I found out purely by accident that this person had contacted who I once thought were friends behind my back and but also contacted people that I just knew from talking with them in the public domain or who came to my house. I have now became a person who no longer trusts any one and is suspicious of every one, who is to afraid to let their guard down in case I end up hurt again. Most of the people I once thought were friends were from a church parish I used to attend and one of them is minister who was once a minister of that parish but had moved on but kept in contact with some of the parishioners he considered as friends that in turn I thought were my friends up until this person had made contact with them behind my back and they turned against me as I stated above with out even giving me a fair hearing or questioning me as to what this person had told them.
These people even the minister who consider themselves upstanding Christians went back and repeated to other people from two other churches of the same parish what they had heard about me with out even knowing if what they were told about me was the truth the gossip they started then got passed around to other Parishes of the same religion in the small city I live in before I knew it even more people started avoiding me like the plague so hence I discontinued going to church and will never return to another church to join them for worshiping again.
These people that call themselves Christians seem to be to worst offenders when it comes to gossiping. Some people never recover from the serious or permanent damage these people cause and so commit suicide. Although I am now fully recovered I was on one of those innocent people that has had their life permanently damage through these sort of people that I became suicidal. The police and Mental Health both failed to listen to me and believe what I was telling them, my family was no better and hence the person who contacted people behind my back and lied to them and deceived them got away with it and so it is the same for the gossipers to this day the same is still happening.
The irony of it all is no body this person has spoken to behind my back has the guts or decency to tell me what this person has said to them about me that has them and others avoiding me like the plague. So you tell me please how I am suppose to put a stop to this person contacting others known to me behind my back who in turn go away gossip about what they have heard from this person that in turn ruins my reputation every time?
I have once moved but the person found me again through some who they gossiped with who I used to socialized with through the church and so moving was useless. What is the point of me moving again? It will change nothing, I will only be found again. If some body really wants to go great lengths to find you chances are great that they will find you even the police have told me this. Thank you for your time and many blessings to you Alison. This person will not stop until they are stopped legally which at the moment as I stated above has no way of happening yet.
Take care, and I wish you the best. Behaved in an unwise manner; stupidly by siding with and interfering and meddling in negative gossip, idle talk or rumor, about the personal or private affairs of another.
This on the whole is below or contrary to the standards expected in his particular profession by the church synod etc. The minister did in fact due to believing by siding with and interfering and meddling in negative gossip, idle talk or rumor, about the personal or private affairs of this persons past slept with as in indulge in sexual relationships with those from the persons past who started the negative gossip, idle talk or rumor, about the personal or private affairs of this persons out of pure cold jealousy.
Professionally speaking it was not the ministers job to share a bed with those spreading the negative gossip, idle talk or rumor, about the personal or private affairs of this persons past it was the ministers job not to side or believe what the minister was told it was the ministers job to help those who came to the minister with the negative gossip, idle talk or rumor, about the personal or private affairs of this persons past to help them move on with life; not take sides or share a bed with them like the minister stupidly did the minister should not have behaved below or contrary to the standards expected in his particular profession by the church synod etc in an unwise manner; stupidly, unprofessionally like the minister did even if the minister did or did not know all the facts.
The Christians involved in this should not have interfered and meddled in negative gossip, idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of this person, deliberate gossiping and interfering and meddling is worse than spontaneous adultery! Gossiping and interfering and meddling is one of the number one reasons why people stop going to church. Gossip and interfering and meddling causes suicide. Gossip and interfering and meddling causes divorce.
Gossip and interfering and meddling drives people out of church. The facts are nearly always distorted and false as they pass from one ear to another. What began as a hold of the hand usually ends up turning into adultery by the time it reaches enough ears. The only safe thing to do is to be quite, or steer the conversation in a positive direction. I hate gossip and so does God, because it hurts others.
Gossip is a sin just as interfering and meddling is any Christian and minister should know this full well! James says that God is the only Judge, and warns not to judge condemn others. Jesus taught in The Golden Rule in Matthew to treat others the way you want to be treated. These people should not judge others or Nous because they sin differently than they do. To the same extent as the damage these people including the minister caused by their gossiping words and interfering and meddling, to that same degree God will judge them by their own words Matthew they should know this and if you did not you now do.
It works. Ephesians teaches that it grieves God when we speak evil of each other. The first thing that the wicked do when they think a person sins is start a smear-campaign to permanently destroy that person with out even knowing the facts this is what happened to Nous. The answer is not for Nous to speak to a mental health professional where you are living like you erroneously told Nous; This will not remedy the situation what so ever; has not in the past so what makes you think it would work now?
This has since been proven. Like bullets fired from a gun, words cannot be taken back. This clearly has nothing to do with speaking to a mental health professional where you are living like you erroneously told Nous; This has every thing do with a religion full of corrupt people and you expecting Nous to speak to a mental health professional where Nous is living like you erroneously told Nous to change this?
In reality what can they do? Speak to the minister; who will they believe? The minister; subsequently the minister is treated like Gods gift and the light shines out of the minister; subsequently the minister is treated like his every word is the absolute truth because the minister is a minister and because the minister is a minister people automatically assume the minister would not utter a lie subsequently Nous will be treated like a nut job go unbelieved. Hello, I know many people who have been helped by mental health professionals when they are struggling.
Best to you, Alison. My sisters are the gossipers not me. They always had something to say and feel bad. Both my sisters and one of my girl cousins were talking bad about me. I want to stay blissful. He graviates more over to my half sisters. When they also caused him great pain, more than me. Maybe she is miserble in her life and feels the need to talk shit about me.
Ugh it is so frustrating. Yes, they are jealous. In your case, he may feel more needed by your sisters who complain and have more problems. Unfortunately, your father will continue to have power over you as long as you long for his approval. Yes, it is unfair that he listens to negative gossip about you, while you are going to school and working.
I recommend that you continue to avoid gossip and avoid thinking about your sisters and the whole negative atmosphere of your family. Try to remain courteous, but put more time and effort into people whom you look up to.
Find other role models and friends. I know that may sound harsh. But you actually are more likely to be appreciated when you are not hoping for it. The ones that do believe what they say are are idiots, and of little import. Is this affecting your daily life in any way? You may have difficulty finding anyone who is willing to cross the gossiping neighbor and side with the foreigner. Those kind of people are simply not worth your time. Taipei is a noisy city. I deal with, and they have to as well.
Impose yourself on the neighbourhood. Have the wife and child there as back-up. This should be in Parenting forum. Just throw your weight around. Taiwan has laws that allow action against persons who spread slander about you or who file false complaints to the police. However, based on the information in the original post, evidence to prove any of that might be a problem.
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